The Drunken Song Competition
by kjmisme
Summary: The Commander of the Grey Wardens, Anders, and Oghren are having a competition on who has the best drunken song. With Justice as the judge.


Notes: This is just for sh*its and giggles. I don't own any of the characters. BioWare does.

This takes place either in The Crown and the Lion Inn, or if you can imagine a dining hall in Vigil's Keep, go for it. All I know is that they are at a long table and stuck on benches. Why? I, do not, know. It just seemed to flow better that way. ^_^

Another Note: It does mention the Architect and Mother. If you don't mind a small *Spoiler,* keep on reading. ^_^

* * *

After killing the Architect and Mother, the Commander of the Grey, not Oghren mind you, had the grand idea that they all get drunk and share a story or two. What started out as fun and games, soon turned into a competition between Oghren, the Commander, and Anders. Nathaniel, Velanna, and Sigrun had long passed out. It was left up to Justice to decide who the winner was.

"I got one," the Commander shouted.

"What is it?" Oghren asked still sounding mostly sober.

"Okay, but we all have to tell one," Commander said leaning over the table as s/he pointed a finger at the dwarf. "Justice, you decide who the winner is!" s/he said looking at the rotting corps.

"How will I know who wins?" Justice asked.

"I don't know," Commander said still half slurring her/his words.

"Who's ever funnier," Oghren insisted.

"You're on dwarf!" Commander said. "Anders," s/he asked nudging him, "you in?"

"I'm awake!" Anders shouted.

"Good on you Sparkle Fingers!" Oghren laughed.

"Okay, mines 'The Old Farmer,'" the Commander started as a burp interrupted her/him. Laughing s/he waved it off. Tapping her/his hand on the table to get the rhythm right, s/he began to sing, "There was an old farmer who lived by a _rock_.  
"He sat in the meadow a waving his  
"_fists_ at some boys who were down by the _creek_.  
"Their feet in the water, their hands on their  
"_marbles_ and _playthings_ and in days of yore.  
"There came a young lady who _looked_ like a,  
"_lovely_ young maiden, she sat on the grass.  
"She lifted her skirts and showed us her  
"_ruffles_ and _laces_ and a neat little tuck.  
"She told us she was learning a new way to  
"_raise_ up her children and teach them to knit.  
"While the boys in the barnyard were shoveling  
"_straw_ from the stables and they worked day and night.  
"If you think that was vulgar then,  
"SODD YOU, your right!" the Commander laughed.

"Ha!" Anders exclaimed, gripping another ale. "That was lame, even for a _former_ bard."

"You can do better Sparkle Fingers?" Oghren insulted.

"Of course!" Anders boasted.

"Prove it," the Commander half shouted.

"The Drunken Apostate," Anders said as he began to tap his foot on the stone and beat the table. "An apostate clad in robe left a bar one evening fair. And one could tell by how he walked that he drunk more than his share. He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet. Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh. He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.  
"About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by. And one says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. 'See young sleeping mage, so strong and handsome built? I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their robes.' Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh. 'I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their robes.'  
"They crept up on that sleeping apostate quiet as could be. Lifted up his robes about an inch so they could see. And there behold, for them to view, beneath his Tower robes. Was nothing more than the Maker graced him with upon his birth. Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh. Was nothing more than the Maker graced him with upon his birth.  
"They marveled for a moment, then one said 'We must be gone. Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along.' As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow. Around the bonnie star, the mages robes did lift and show. Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh. Around the bonnie star, the mages robes did lift and show.  
"Now the apostate woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree. Behind a bush, he lifts his robes and gawks at what he sees. And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes. 'O, lad I don't know where you been, but I see you won first prize.' Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh. O, lad I don't know where you been, but I see you won first prize.'"

The Commander was laughing so hard after hearing the drunken song, s/he almost fell off the bench. "You insinuating something there?"

Anders just smiled his mischievous grin before he looked at Oghren. "Beat that Fire Master," Anders antagonized.

Oghren grunted at his comrades as he thought. "Got it!"

"Let's hear it!" Anders and the Commander said in unison.

"The Drunken Warden," Oghren said as he banged the table for rhythm. "What do we do with a drunken Warden? What do we do with a drunken Warden? What do we do with a drunken Warden? Early in the morning?  
"We shave his body with a rusty razor! Shave his body with a rusty razor! Shave his body with a rusty razor! Early in the morning.  
"Or cram him in a cask untill he's sober. Cram him in a cask untill he's sober. Cram him in a cask untill he's sober. Early in the morning.  
"We stick him in a brothel with a nug humping scoundrel. Stick him in a brothel with a nug humping scoundrel. Stick him in a brothel with a nug humping scoundrel. Early in the morning.  
"Then rip his clothes and smash his potions. Rip his clothes and smash his potions. Then we rip his clothes and smash his potions. Early in the morning.  
"That's what we'd do with a drunken Warden. That's what we'd do with a drunken Warden. That's what we'd do with a drunken Warden. Early in the morning."

The Commander laughed so hard s/he did fall off the bench. After Oghren finished, s/he was still singing "Early in the morning" as s/he laughed to get back up.

Anders was not enthused by the song. Only because Oghren was staring at _him_ while _he_ sang. "I'm not drinking with _you_ anymore."

"Ha ha! Finally learned your lesson, did ya boy?" Oghren laughed.

"Justice," Commander shouted more than was necessary, "Who won?"

"I believe **_*Insert your opinion here! And tell us who is worthy!*_**" the expired Warden proclaimed.

* * *

"The Old Farmer": Watch at .com/watch?v=4yuYtPhQ40Q&feature=PlayList&p=2C54C344F08952A7&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=1

This one's funny too: .com/watch?v=lFnw0W3VKPY

"The Drunken Apostate": Watch at .com/watch?v=zmoxLoYWDig (Extra note: I love this video the best it's funny…well 'er.)

"What to do with a drunken Warden": Watch at .com/watch?v=qGyPuey-1Jw


End file.
